The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
QUESTION #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no remblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
1. Squash.
2. Football.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)
QUESTION #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
1. I suppose so.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter?
5. Who, me?
QUESTION #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
1. Compared to what?
2. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I’ve seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
1. Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:
2. Yes, but you have a better personality
3. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
4. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
5. Define pretty
6. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #5: What would you do if I died?
Unless you smile, say “Nice weather we are having, huh?” then leave the room, expect a definite no-win situation. No matter how you answer this (the real answer, or course, is “Buy a Corvette.”), be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed…
